


Those Eyes That Burn

by Queen of the Castle (queen_of_the_castle_77)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Drama, Exhibitionism, M/M, Romance, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-24
Updated: 2011-08-24
Packaged: 2017-10-23 00:32:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/244289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queen_of_the_castle_77/pseuds/Queen%20of%20the%20Castle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Could you please just watch me?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Those Eyes That Burn

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Lusty Month of May Marathon 2007.

When Remus was at school, his favourite fantasy was of Sirius yanking open his curtains just as he was drifting off to sleep. He always imagined that he could see Sirius's eyes blazing, though intellectually he knew they were as dark as the rest of the room.

Sirius would practically glide down on top of Remus in a move that was pure sensuality, and yet was so physically impossible that it should have jerked Remus out of his imaginings. Somehow, it didn't, and Remus was always glad for that fact.

Sirius's cheek would then slide over his own in a peculiarly sort of intimate greeting.

"Sirius?" he would ask blearily, his hands coming up to grasp Sirius by the arms as if to steady him, or possibly to steady himself.

"Shhhh," Sirius would say, nipping at Remus's collarbone. Their bodies would align as they sank into the mattress together. "James and Peter will hear. You don't want them to catch us, do you?"

Remus's hands would fall uselessly to his sides. His eyes would clench shut, but all he could see was flaring white against the backs of his eyelids.

At the time, he'd never been particularly concerned that his fantasy never went any further than that before he came. He decided that it was just his hormones acting strangely.

And anyway, he hadn't had particularly spectacular endurance at age sixteen, and hadn't minded that fact. It had never mattered back then how long he lasted, really. In fact, the sooner he reached the finish line the better, considering that he was sharing a dormitory room with three other boys who could ostensibly catch him at any moment.

And catch him they did. Or rather, Peter did. It was only once, but it was enough. Remus had been wanking to the usual fantasy (his skin flush against Sirius's in his mind) when Peter had burst into the room and flung Remus's curtains wide in his over-excitement. It had made the whole thing somehow more traumatising that his cock chose that very moment to erupt all over his bare stomach while Peter, red-faced and flustered, had stuttered his embarrassed apologies and fled the room, nearly falling flat on his face in his haste to leave.

That didn't stop his dreams from changing accordingly, though. It was a subtle shift at first. Sirius would forget to warn him that they might be caught, and instead of coming at that point Remus actually _would_ be caught in the act. And much as it had during that one real encounter, the view of Peter's shocked eyes taking in the sight of him always pushed Remus over the edge.

It was mortifying. It was bad enough that he couldn't stop thinking about other boys while the rest of them were chattering animatedly away about breasts. The fact that he had to sit and watch Peter as he remained silent while James talked about Evans and remember that he'd seen that face when he'd pleasured himself the night before was simply too much.

He finally decided to swallow his pride and go to the library. He ducked discreetly into the 'adult' but not particularly restricted section of the library, which was devoted to the information that the teachers really didn't want to have to bring up with them face-to-face, old-fashioned as they were.

It had certainly been one of his more interesting visits.

He'd never heard of exhibitionism or anything similar before then. However, after one experimental, drawn-out wank in which each passing second – each successive moment that the chances of being caught seemed to increase tenfold – served to further excite him, he decided that though he was late in learning that word, it would never again stray far from his mind.

His endurance certainly improved after that.

It wasn't that he wanted to be caught, precisely. He liked thinking about how the others could probably hear his muffled panting as he neared climax and how they might see flickers of shadow against his curtain indicating the movements of his hand on his prick and the thrust of his hips up into his grip. He didn't particularly want them to actually see, though. It would make things awkward, especially since he was fairly certain none of them were gay.

He wished they were. He wished, in the very least, that he could admit to them that _he_ was. But he feared that would make things even more awkward than it would if they'd just caught him wanking (which could happen to any straight boy just as easily). The dorms felt confining enough without having to avoid each other in their tiny amount of space.

Once school was over and they'd left the dormitory behind forever, though, Remus found himself yearning to have those close quarters back once more. His residence was still almost unbearably confined, but there was a distinct lack of soft noises such as those the others had made as they slept. It served to constantly remind him that there was no one in the room with him. It was particularly obvious when he gave in at the end of a day of looking for a job that never seemed to come – or, at least, that didn't last once he'd found it – and wanked. It always seemed to take forever when he had the sure knowledge that no one would was around to see or hear him.

He constantly wished for company, and not only so that he could enjoy himself in bed once more. It was so much more than that. The silence in general was oppressive.

And he felt completely alone.

He tried to be happy for James when Harry was born, but it was just another illustration of how different he was from the others. He often felt like a freak even apart from his werewolf nature.

And he was miserable, and felt more alone with each passing day, with the others seeming to distance themselves from him. It was as if they somehow knew what was going on in his head and had wisely decided to distance themselves from him as much as possible.

Then he'd spent that one night on a mission for the Order holed up with Peter waiting for what might or might not turn out to be a Death Eater meeting.

Remus sat on the hard floor of their hastily erected shelter listening to the snuffling sounds of Peter's almost-snores and decided that he must surely be in heaven.

He told himself that there was nothing he could have done to stop himself, so far gone was he by that point. It was natural to need release, especially in stressful circumstances such as their current 'stake-out', as Peter playfully called it.

He told himself that Peter was asleep and so it was all right. He'd known, though, that Peter wouldn't be able to stay that way long if Remus started touching himself; Remus had never been particularly capable of staying silent in the throes of passion.

For all that he would argue otherwise if later asked, Remus had known all too well that Peter would wake up and look at him. He wanted that, in fact.

Luckily, Peter didn't ask. He didn't even speak. This time, however, he didn't look away and trip over his words, either. His eyes burned in a way that would have made the version of Sirius that resided in his fantasies envious.

The thought of Sirius being jealous of Peter would have been really quite ridiculous if Remus could bring himself to think about anything so logical. As it was, his ability to think clearly seemed to be permanently lost to him.

Remus's hand slid up and down his cock once, twice, thrice more before he had to stop and close his eyes for fear of coming, the mere idea of Peter looking at him, let alone the visible evidence of it, proving almost too much for him.

"Do you want me to touch you?" Peter asked quietly.

Remus cried out, but his hand gripped the base of his cock just hard enough for him to somehow manage to hold on. "Fuck!" he said, gritting his teeth. "Um… no, really… just… could you please just watch me?"

Remus imagined that he could see himself reflected in the dark hue of Peter's eyes as they flicked between his own eyes and where his hands finally resumed fondling his cock and balls. Then Peter's tongue flicked out to lick his lips unconsciously and Remus's orgasm hit him without warning.

Peter watched him silently for a while after that.

"Did you seriously want to touch me?" Remus finally asked, his voice still slightly unsteady. "I thought you were straight."

Peter shrugged. "Yeah, well, I thought the same about you. I don't know if I'm gay. Maybe? I liked watching you, anyway. And I think I wanted to touch you. I don't know for sure."

Remus was fairly certain Peter _must_ know for sure, actually, from the way Peter's trousers were tented.

"I could, er, help you out with that," Remus offered nervously.

Peter's smile was the widest he'd ever seen it.

"Thanks Remus. That's…"

Peter didn't have to say it. Remus could read those eyes. Remus did seem to spend most of his time thinking about them, after all.

Remus knew that Peter was thinking that just then was probably the first time one of them – James, Sirius and himself – had offered to do anything purely for Peter's benefit. Remus often felt a similar concern when he looked at James and Sirius, who always considered themselves and each other, but rarely had time for anyone else (although James had obviously started considering his family as well in more recent years, at least).

That left Remus and Peter both as outsiders in their group, though Peter had always been more so until very recently. James and Sirius had always had each other, and now they both had Lily and Harry as well. Peter and Remus had only really ever had themselves, particularly since school had ended.

"But no," Peter said eventually; obviously it had taken him a while to think it over. "I'll be fine. I'll take over the watch, though, if you want to get some sleep. I'm awake now anyway."

Remus was glad he'd already come not all that long ago. Otherwise, he doubted he could have slept knowing that Peter might be watching him.

He must have slept, though, because when he next awoke it was light out and Peter had disappeared. He sat abruptly upright. His head spun slightly with a dizziness that felt vaguely like the after-effects of a spell. He scrambled to his feet.

When he couldn't find Peter anywhere around the clearing in which Dumbledore had claimed the Death Eater meeting was going to be held, or hidden in the surrounding brush, Remus Apparated to his flat.

He was promptly arrested by the Aurors who were crammed into the small living space.

It took them a while stop answering his questions with enquiries of their own long enough to actually tell him anything, but eventually they did tell him what they were doing there. They were, they claimed, looking for evidence that he'd been 'in league with He Who Must Not Be Named', along with his only surviving friend Sirius Black.

That was the moment that his life as he knew it had ended.

But his dreams didn't end. Though he made an effort never to consciously think of Peter while he wanked, he couldn't curb that one moment of weakness that occurred every single time. He was forever waking up with memories of that last night of Peter's life flashing before his eyes, and with semen staining his sleep trousers as if he was still a teenager.

He suspected later that if he'd taken Peter up on his offer that night, he might have gotten over what instead quickly spiralled into an obsession before it could get out of control. But perfect vision in hindsight couldn't help him. Peter was dead.

Except that he actually, amazingly, wasn't. And though he never would have dreamt he'd ever have such a thought, Remus found that he wished that Peter was dead after all. The truth of the matter was much worse.

Yet Remus still saw Peter's eyes when he came. The fact that they were suddenly menacing and embedded in a Death Eater mask did nothing to stem his orgasm.

He felt thoroughly disgusted with himself.

When Sirius came to stay with him a year later, Remus found out that during his years of solitude he'd picked up the habit of saying Peter's name when he reached his peak. It had been so long since anyone had been with him at that moment that he hadn't had a clue. He certainly wasn't in any state to pay attention himself as his pleasure reached its crescendo.

And yet Sirius's eyes were only puzzled, not accusatory.

That nearly brought tears to Remus's eyes for the first time since he lost Sirius, James and Peter all in one day. Remus blinked them back angrily. He felt emasculated enough, considering that Sirius had just found out that he was gay, without crying like a woman in front of him.

"Fuck," Remus croaked, forcing the tears to stay in. "There's something seriously wrong with me."

Sirius embraced him, somehow making the hug hold just the right amount of inherent brotherliness to not further damage Remus's ego.

"Let me help," Sirius said.

Remus looked up and met Sirius's eyes, which were somehow still compassionate even after the horrors of Azkaban. Perhaps they were even more so than they once would have been, since Sirius had really been too worried about himself when he was younger to have always been considerate of others.

Remus remembered how the Sirius of his boyhood dreams would smile ever so slightly and warn him that James and Peter would hear, that they would catch them together. Now, as far as he was concerned, both James and Peter were dead. The only people in the room now were Sirius and himself. They were alone.

Remus found that now he was actually quite all right with that.

From then on, it was Sirius's eyes that flashed across Remus's mind in his most vulnerable moments. And the smile on Sirius's face nearly a year later was enough to tell him that it was no longer Peter's name that fell from his lips.

~FIN~


End file.
